So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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