I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
