i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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