My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
this hospital has no fireball
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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