She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
