lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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