DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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