I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Barsexuality is the new black.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
