I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
