Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
