He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
