she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
