he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
