She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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