I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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