yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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