You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
