she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have feelings that need drinking.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
