i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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