Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
