I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
