He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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