My sheets look like a crime scene.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
