The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Be still, my beating vagina.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
