I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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