goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
