I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
