Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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