he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
