Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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