My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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