he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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