we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
