He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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