Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
