If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
