Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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