Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He uses pillows to masturbate.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
