Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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