I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
