hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
