I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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