My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Less talking, more tequila
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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