You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
