I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
