textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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