I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
