I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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