I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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