i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
